I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
