Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
