I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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