i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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