1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
