Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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