listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
