My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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