I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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