did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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