Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Pappa wants mamma naked
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
