im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
