He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
