Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
