I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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