Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
