I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
