I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
