some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
