There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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