The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
