umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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