I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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