If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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