Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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