I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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