He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
