well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
