I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
