Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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