last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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