he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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