is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
