I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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