Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
