Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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