i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
