Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
