before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
