How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
