kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I want a musical about memes.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
