so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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