Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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