I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
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i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
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Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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