note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
