The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My penis needs a shock collar
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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