My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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