the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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