I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
