DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
