It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
