My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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