But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
