I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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