It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
