the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
