you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
