how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
