I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
